Heya, I know it's been a while. Depending on where you're reading this, it's been about eight months since I last logged on, or I had just logged back on last month. Regardless of
where you're reading this, the fact is that I am back from an unannounced hiatus.
Now I know that there are people who want to know why I went, what's become of me since then. I was a part of some things, after all.
This will get personal, because I need it, and because people deserve it.
I went because I felt like an utter failure. I wasn't doing as well as I wanted, and I couldn't bring myself to log on or work on anything.
I realized how much value I placed on me doing better than anyone else, how I used to think me doing things right every time was the way it was meant to be. I thought of others less as people to bond and to grow with, and more as people to impress, people to respect and admire me. I used to think all I needed was approval, all I wanted was to be above others.
But when I decided I wasn't good enough and isolated myself, I realized just how lonely I really felt.
At first, I thought I was doomed to this. That I'd always keep closing myself off, too scared to look fragile and weak. Too scared I won't appear as lovable, that I'd remain secretly bitter that I wasn't doing as well as I thought I should. I thought I would stay lonely, because I couldn't find it in me to make a connection with others, that when I I did all of the anger, the hurt, the heaviness and the hollowness would finally show.
As time went on however I thought a lot about it all. I thought about self-centered I truly was. At first it was scary; I thought that I wasn't believing in myself if I was thinking these things. But then I realized how incredibly unhappy it made me feel, setting unrealistic standards for myself, seeing things how they related to me and me
alone. I learned more about my ADHD and how it affected me. Until then it was something I was simply aware of. Now it was something I wanted and needed an understanding of. I learned how significant it is to how I experience the world. I became more aware of what I needed help with, what I had to actively cope with, what I had to accept as a huge part of who I am.
I realized that people did care about other people who were imperfect. I realized that I was okay,
happier with progress more than I was with perfection. I want to grow, because I realized I find so much joy in it, in pushing my limits in a steady, healthy way, in discovering, in learning everything I can. I realized I had to allow myself that.
I'm pretty screwed up, but I've always been. I'm learning to accept that, that it's part of who I am, that I'm not a ruined human being. I'm coming to terms with not being perfect, something I used to consider myself as. Now I'm trying to start over, trying to not let my self-importance get the best of me in what I do. I don't want it to get in my way anymore.
As for now, I don't have anything specific planned, but I have several ideas, things I'm considering. If I decide on anything, you'll know. I hope to return to mainstream schooling this year, so I could actually become less active, but I'll try to be active at all.
That's all I can say for now, I suppose.
Cross-posted on my tumblr.
I'll just go with Michael; he could use more love.] To be frank, I really like Michael because he's kind of an ass.
] Hooray for old characters.
Alright, I love Jarek for his wild attitude, especially since it roots from his grey sense of morality. His self-awareness is another trait I really like, and I kind of find it sad that he pushes people away because he knows he's not the best fellow to be around.
//slapped ] So honestly Faustina's one of those characters I assumed I wasn't going to be all that impressed with, but that's when I read her application. Seriously, I love her rather modest history, and I can really relate to her personality. Her heterochromia isn't treated as a gimmick, thankfully, but still something that affected her life greatly. I really hope she gets in then she can team up with Oliver to break the ice of a certain person.
I love myself some obvious jerks, and Ida's no exception. I can relate to her laziness and inclination to swear, and she's naughty in that "IRDGAF" way that I don't see much. I also appreciate that she's an obvious jerk, not a complete one.
Anyway, he's a prankster. Loves messing with people and dowsing them in glitter, apparently, the whole shebang. He's out for fun, easy going, wild, and... somewhat manipulative. But like all of Dell's characters, he has heart and doesn't really mean any harm. In fact, he lets his victims get revenge which may not take the glitter off, but it's something. Jerk with a heart of gold? Yeah, jerk with a heart of gold. Also got to mention his personality really makes for a great sibling dynamic with his grump of a sister, Deevee.
Her fascination with transportation, particularly planes, is something I wish I saw more, since usually the mechanic characters I see are just interested in engineering in general. Gets boring, to be honest. But yeah, I love her.
) I can't wait to see how he fares against all the chaos, how he'll develop on Steam.
