Heya, I know it's been a while. Depending on where you're reading this, it's been about eight months since I last logged on, or I had just logged back on last month. Regardless of where
you're reading this, the fact is that I am back from an unannounced hiatus.
Now I know that there are people who want to know why I went, what's become of me since then. I was a part of some things, after all.
This will get personal, because I need it, and because people deserve it.
I went because I felt like an utter failure. I wasn't doing as well as I wanted, and I couldn't bring myself to log on or work on anything.
I realized how much value I placed on me doing better than anyone else, how I used to think me doing things right every time was the way it was meant to be. I thought of others less as people to bond and to grow with, and more as people to impress, people to respect and admire me. I used to think all I needed was approval, all I wanted was to be above others.
But when I decided I wasn't good enough and isolated myself, I realized just how lonely I really felt.
At first, I thought I was doomed to this. That I'd always keep closing myself off, too scared to look fragile and weak. Too scared I won't appear as lovable, that I'd remain secretly bitter that I wasn't doing as well as I thought I should. I thought I would stay lonely, because I couldn't find it in me to make a connection with others, that when I I did all of the anger, the hurt, the heaviness and the hollowness would finally show.
As time went on however I thought a lot about it all. I thought about self-centered I truly was. At first it was scary; I thought that I wasn't believing in myself if I was thinking these things. But then I realized how incredibly unhappy it made me feel, setting unrealistic standards for myself, seeing things how they related to me and me alone
. I learned more about my ADHD and how it affected me. Until then it was something I was simply aware of. Now it was something I wanted and needed an understanding of. I learned how significant it is to how I experience the world. I became more aware of what I needed help with, what I had to actively cope with, what I had to accept as a huge part of who I am.
I realized that people did care about other people who were imperfect. I realized that I was okay, happier
with progress more than I was with perfection. I want to grow, because I realized I find so much joy in it, in pushing my limits in a steady, healthy way, in discovering, in learning everything I can. I realized I had to allow myself that.
I'm pretty screwed up, but I've always been. I'm learning to accept that, that it's part of who I am, that I'm not a ruined human being. I'm coming to terms with not being perfect, something I used to consider myself as. Now I'm trying to start over, trying to not let my self-importance get the best of me in what I do. I don't want it to get in my way anymore.
As for now, I don't have anything specific planned, but I have several ideas, things I'm considering. If I decide on anything, you'll know. I hope to return to mainstream schooling this year, so I could actually become less active, but I'll try to be active at all.
That's all I can say for now, I suppose.Cross-posted on my tumblr.