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deviation in storage by Inkfish7
Heya, I know it's been a while. Depending on where you're reading this, it's been about eight months since I last logged on, or I had just logged back on last month. Regardless of where you're reading this, the fact is that I am back from an unannounced hiatus.

Now I know that there are people who want to know why I went, what's become of me since then. I was a part of some things, after all.

This will get personal, because I need it, and because people deserve it.

I went because I felt like an utter failure. I wasn't doing as well as I wanted, and I couldn't bring myself to log on or work on anything.

I realized how much value I placed on me doing better than anyone else, how I used to think me doing things right every time was the way it was meant to be. I thought of others less as people to bond and to grow with, and more as people to impress, people to respect and admire me. I used to think all I needed was approval, all I wanted was to be above others.

But when I decided I wasn't good enough and isolated myself, I realized just how lonely I really felt.

At first, I thought I was doomed to this. That I'd always keep closing myself off, too scared to look fragile and weak. Too scared I won't appear as lovable, that I'd remain secretly bitter that I wasn't doing as well as I thought I should. I thought I would stay lonely, because I couldn't find it in me to make a connection with others, that when I I did all of the anger, the hurt, the heaviness and the hollowness would finally show.

As time went on however I thought a lot about it all. I thought about self-centered I truly was. At first it was scary; I thought that I wasn't believing in myself if I was thinking these things. But then I realized how incredibly unhappy it made me feel, setting unrealistic standards for myself, seeing things how they related to me and me alone. I learned more about my ADHD and how it affected me. Until then it was something I was simply aware of. Now it was something I wanted and needed an understanding of. I learned how significant it is to how I experience the world. I became more aware of what I needed help with, what I had to actively cope with, what I had to accept as a huge part of who I am.

I realized that people did care about other people who were imperfect. I realized that I was okay, happier with progress more than I was with perfection. I want to grow, because I realized I find so much joy in it, in pushing my limits in a steady, healthy way, in discovering, in learning everything I can. I realized I had to allow myself that.

I'm pretty screwed up, but I've always been. I'm learning to accept that, that it's part of who I am, that I'm not a ruined human being. I'm coming to terms with not being perfect, something I used to consider myself as. Now I'm trying to start over, trying to not let my self-importance get the best of me in what I do. I don't want it to get in my way anymore.

As for now, I don't have anything specific planned, but I have several ideas, things I'm considering. If I decide on anything, you'll know. I hope to return to mainstream schooling this year, so I could actually become less active, but I'll try to be active at all.

That's all I can say for now, I suppose.

Cross-posted on my tumblr.

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PKMN Steam


The Supernatural Steampunk Pokéanthro Group PKMN-Steam is currently open for recommendations!



Join our wonderful community. :dummy: Hop on the brass ship and sail to the Isle of Steam! :la:

★ Related Journals:

:bulletorange: Rules :bulletorange: FAQ
:bulletorange: Introduction/Prologue :bulletorange: Character Creation

❣ Testimonials From Members ❣

Testimonial from yours truly.

"This group is now open and you guys should totally join cause it's awesome and the people in the group is great.

It's a pokemon anthro steampunk type of group, the characters are just jerks and insane wonderful and great characters to RP.

I really suggest you try these group out, you won't be disappointed /w\ plus I would be SUPER HAPPY if some of you guys joined"
- Hizakuru

"What you can do in Steam: RP, draw steampunk goodness, the memes, and attend events."

"But the events + the plotline of this group (if it even has one, idek) are pretty great."

"Another pro is that everyone there is hella rad B) Gotta love them man XOXO. (also i would ramble more but na.....I'm think you can check the group out for yourselves)"
- RosieSakura

"This group is amazing tbh. The setting is great, the characters are incredibly diverse and very fun and interesting to interact with, the events are just amazing and the members are some of the nicest people on the internet like omg they're perf~" - Chai-Leaf

"Joining this group has given me a chance to meet some really amazing, and talented people, who have inspired me and my works, both in literature, and in drawing. It gives me alot of incentive to become better as an artist; they have shown me their own depiction of the world we live in together, with startling beauty and detail; and it also made me feel like I was part of something, even a little. Because on the island of Steam, I feel at home :heart: I want you guys to experience it too c: With all of us!" - Drydell-da-Vinci

Seriously, go check it out. Great place, great people, great characters!

It's a wonderful place and with a lot of fun and the Steampunk-theme is just amazing!
- fluwe
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Visitors

:icontoastedwilliam912:
toastedwilliam912
Jul 21, 2016
5:58 am
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lintu47
Jul 19, 2016
9:47 am
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Jul 18, 2016
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Jul 17, 2016
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:icontoastedwilliam912:
toastedwilliam912 Featured By Owner 3 days ago  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Hi
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:iconsavagefrog:
SavageFrog Featured By Owner Jul 3, 2016  Hobbyist General Artist
Hallo~
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(1 Reply)
:iconstygma:
Stygma Featured By Owner Apr 25, 2016  Hobbyist General Artist
Birthday Sweets by KmyGraphic
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:iconriemea:
Riemea Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
You are great! :heart:
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:iconaaronfirebird1:
AaronFireBird1 Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2015
Me: Hi I'm Aaronfirebird ^w^

Gardevoir: And I'm Gardevoir ^w^

Me/Gardevoir: And how are you in this fine weathered day ^w^?
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